The Club · Numbers, and a queue nobody has needed

Membership is two accounts, Founder numbers read zero, and the moderation queue keeps being checked by people with nothing to moderate.

Membership stands at two accounts: a demo login from launch week and James's own, kept for testing and not counted as anybody's decision to join. Founder memberships currently read zero, following the same database reset we flagged a fortnight ago — not forty-six departures, just numbers that reset themselves more often than any of us would like.

The forum has never had a thread posted to it. Twice this week, on Friday and again on Sunday, a different visitor clicked through to the moderation queue and found precisely nothing waiting there, which either means the site runs itself or means two people went looking for trouble and left disappointed.

Pubs · One listing, unmoved, much looked at

The pub on the map is still the only one, the landlord is still not called, and on Sunday it held somebody's attention for two full minutes.

The listing James added in week one to test the sign-up form is still the only pub on the map, still under a real name and a real address, and the landlord still has not been called about it. That is four issues of writing this same sentence, and it should be sorted before we say another word about who they are.

What did happen was a visitor returning to the pubs page three times on Sunday morning, staying a little longer each time, and finishing with a two-minute stare that was the longest dwell logged anywhere on the site this week. We would like to say that means something. It might just mean the page was slow.

The Bands · Nothing new, still the same two

No new act joined the directory this week, but somebody did read one page for a full minute.

The bands directory has not grown since the pair we reported here last time arrived together, at the same second, as a batch rather than two independent signups. Nothing further has moved since, and free pages have yet to produce a single real application.

One thing worth having: someone stopped on a band's page for a full minute during a longer tour of the site this week — read the bio, presumably, possibly the reviews, we cannot tell which — which is the most attention any band has had from a stranger so far.

Gigs · Invented, and we're saying so

A three-piece from Barnsley played a Wednesday in Goole to four people and the landlord's dog.

No gig has ever been logged through the listings tool, real or otherwise, so this section stays invented until a band uses it, exactly as the footer says. This week: The Slow Punctures, a three-piece from Barnsley who describe their own sound as doom, but polite, played a Wednesday slot in Goole to four paying customers and the landlord's dog, who left partway through the second song and did not come back.

Vinyl Night · Third week, nothing changed

No vinyl night has logged an entry in three weeks, and we're done calling that a quiet spell.

No vinyl night anywhere on the site has recorded an entry, a score or a crown in three straight weeks of asking. We flagged two weeks running a fortnight ago; this is the same flag, raised again, because raising it once did not fix it.

If your pub runs one and hasn't tried the scoring app, this is the nudge. If you tried it and it didn't work, tell us — from here, silence and "it's fine" look exactly the same.

Buy, Swap, Sell · The promise we didn't keep

Last issue said a record would go up on buy-swap-sell this week. It didn't, and neither did we.

Buy-swap-sell had its most patient visitor yet, someone who stopped there for half a minute during a longer browse of the site, and still has nothing listed on it. The plan stated here last issue, to put an actual item up ourselves, did not happen. No excuse, just the truth of it.

Quizzes · One correct answer, one familiar name

This week's only quiz attempt was right, and it was James marking his own homework.

One attempt was logged against this week's daily quiz. It was correct, and it came from James's own account, which is quality assurance rather than a member turning up to play. The anonymous, genuinely external attempt that carried this section a few issues back has not been repeated since.

Karaoke · Invented, again, on purpose

Somebody attempted both halves of a duet, solo, in two different keys, and neither was the right one.

Karaoke has no table of its own to query, so this stays invented, as flagged below. This week: a solo attempt at both halves of a well-known duet, sung in two different keys, neither correct, to a room that had stopped singing along and started watching instead, the way you watch a car very slowly reverse into a bollard.

Pub Events · Invented, a new town this time

A darts-and-record-fair evening in Merthyr Tydfil produced one argument about what counts as a record.

Events remains invented while the real listings catch up, as ever noted in the footer. This week's: a darts-and-record-fair evening in Merthyr Tydfil, respectably attended, that produced a twenty-minute argument over whether a Bob Marley greatest-hits counts as a record for the fair table or a record for next door's quiz, settled eventually by the darts players, who had opinions and free time.

Merch · Closed, four issues running

No order has ever been placed through the shop, which has now been closed longer than most businesses stay open.

Not one order has been placed through the shop in the life of the site, and it remains closed, with neither stock nor photographs to show for four issues of saying so. Opening it needs an afternoon nobody has given it yet, and that is the whole of the explanation.