The Club · State of the club

Two members, and you already know both of them

The Club stands at two members. One is the account we use to test the sign-up form ourselves, which is to say it is James. The other is a demo profile filled in to see what a finished page looks like, which is to say it is also not, strictly, a customer.

Nobody joined this week. Nobody left either, though at a membership of two that is not much of an achievement to hang a sign on. The monthly vote for Record of the Month has not opened, because a vote needs voters, and we are two people short of a quorum by most definitions.

Pubs · One pub, unclaimed

Still nobody has made that phone call

The map still has exactly one pub on it, added a few weeks ago while we were testing the sign-up form ourselves, real name, real address, no landlord informed. It is still sitting there unclaimed. That call is still on the list.

No new pubs joined this week. We would tell you which town is closest to getting one, but that would require a town to be doing something, and so far none of them are.

If that's your pub and you're reading this: we owe you a phone call, not a database row.

The Bands · Two, at the same second

A pair of bands arrived together, identically

Two acts appeared on the band pages this week, both logged at the same minute and second on the same afternoon. That is either a remarkable coincidence of two musicians filling in the same form at once, or it is a fixture being loaded in, and we know which way we would bet.

Free band pages have been live for two weeks now. In that time they have attracted exactly as many independently-arrived signups as they did in week one, which is none, unless you count the two that turned up together and identically, and we have just decided not to.

Gigs · Gigs, mostly imagined

This week's invented booking: a christening, Whitby

The gig list is still mostly invented while the real one fills in, so here is this week's placeholder: a four-piece playing a christening in Whitby on Saturday afternoon, who have been asked in writing to leave out the one about the landlord's ex-wife. They have agreed. Nobody in the room believes them.

There is still no real data behind this section. When an actual gig gets posted through the pub side of the app, it replaces this, and the section stops being funny in exactly the way we would like it to.

Vinyl Night · Vinyl nights

Second week running, nothing logged

No vinyl night has been logged on the site in two weeks running now, which is long enough to stop calling it a fluke and start calling it the number. The format exists. The crown exists. The six slots exist. Nobody has run one through the app yet.

We are treating that as the site telling us something, which is one way of avoiding the harder question of whether anybody has actually told the pubs how it works.

Six slots, one landlord, no excuses left that we haven't already used.

Buy, Swap, Sell · Buy, swap, sell

Nothing listed, one visitor who wanted there to be

There is nothing for sale on the site. No records, no want-list, nothing. And yet somebody spent two full minutes on that exact page this week, longer than on any other page on the site, before leaving with nothing to show for it, because there was nothing to take.

That is either the most patient browsing session The Snug has had, or somebody genuinely wanted a record we do not have. We would like to believe it was the second one.

Quizzes · Quizzes

Looked at twice, played by nobody

Nobody attempted the quiz this week. The only score on the board is still the anonymous correct answer from a fortnight ago, untouched since. Two visits landed on the quiz page this week, both brief, neither followed by an actual go at it.

A quiz that gets looked at and then quietly closed again is, we are reliably told, exactly how most people treat an actual pub quiz until the second pint arrives.

Karaoke · Karaoke

This week's invented entry: a stag do, four singers

No karaoke data lives in the database yet, so here is this week's invented colour: a stag do in Rotherham who booked one slot and sent four different men up to sing it, none of whom had rehearsed and all of whom insisted, separately, that they had.

As with gigs, this is colour rather than record. The real version arrives the day somebody builds karaoke properly into the app, and until then we are only telling you what we would expect to happen, which is occasionally the same thing anyway.

Pub Events · Pub events

This week's invented fixture: darts and vinyl, Consett

This week's invented pub event: a darts-and-vinyl double header in a pub in Consett, where the landlord has banned anyone from choosing a song after losing a leg, on the grounds that the correlation with poor sportsmanship had become too strong to keep ignoring.

The real events page had one visitor this week, in for five seconds and gone again. We do not blame them. There was nothing on it to hold anyone longer than that.

Merch · The shop

Third week running, still closed

The shop has now not opened for three issues running. Week one it lacked photographs. Week two it lacked stock as well as photographs. This week it lacks both of those things in exactly the same way, so at least the situation has stopped getting worse.

We would call this a slow burn, except nothing is burning, or moving, or, currently, for sale.