Out of ten, and not for the reason you think.
One tap while the record is still playing. Below is what the numbers actually mean, so that a nine in Peckham means the same as a nine in Deptford.
The reason this website exists. You have no idea who they are, you want it immediately, and you are already pretending you knew.
One notch off. You will look them up in the car park and the record will be sold out.
Nobody in the room could name them. Everybody in the room nodded. That is the sweet spot and it does not have to be a ten.
They have a following in one city and it is not this one. Excellent choice, and you have earned the right to mention it again next week.
A solid entry. Nobody minded. Nobody will bring it up again.
Either a good record everybody knows, or an unknown one that is merely alright. The scale cannot tell the difference and, honestly, neither can you.
It is a brilliant record. It is also on an advert. Being right about something obvious is not what any of us came out for.
We have all got it. Two of us on three formats.
Played at every wedding since 2004. You can watch the bar staff age in real time.
You knew. You did it anyway. There is a word for this and the word is karaoke.
It is a score for the record and how little anybody knew about it. A brilliant famous record scores a four. A decent obscure one scores an eight. That is not a bug in the scale — it is the entire website, expressed as a single number.
The Unknown Table does not rank people who like good music. Plenty of websites do that. It ranks people who find good music nobody else has found, which is a harder thing and a rarer one.
Deliberately. There are several thousand other places on the internet to be right about a famous record, and they are all busy. Bring the one nobody has.
One is the floor. Turning up with a record and putting it on in front of people counts for something, even when the something is a warning.
Nobody gets bullied off the decks by a phone. That is the one rule the scale has.
A “what do the numbers mean?” tap under the row of digits. Two seconds to read, which is all anyone will give it.
Beer-mat sized, downloadable from the pub admin. Blu-tack it by the decks and nobody has to explain it twice.
Once, when you join. Then never again, because being lectured about scoring is worse than being scored badly.